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What Does Cheating Mean To YOU???
by sugarburn @ 2007-04-18 - 16:26:24

Some folk in the sex and relationship advice field think its ok to go off and look at porn, or flirt with someone, or think about what having an affair with someone would be like when you're in a relationship. That its not cheating. I don't think its ok. If you're in a relationship, then you're in it and should take care of it and focus solely on your partner. If the person you're with isn't 'enough' for you, then you shouldn't be sticking around but getting your fix somewhere else. Find someone who is enough, and let the person you're with do the same. I'm going to write a list of what cheating means to me, and I'd love to hear what you think... There's no right or wrong answer to this, so long as you're happy with your relationship. If you honestly don't mind your partner checking out other women etc, and you are letting him do it for your own healthy reasons, then there's no problem. But if you are putting up with something from your man which hurts you and leaves you feeling cheated on; because you are afraid of losing him, because you think you're not good enough, or because he won't change for you, then please please realise that a) none of this is your fault, b) you deserve to feel safe, loved and respected in your relationship, c) if your someone is not willing to cut out an activity that hurts you then he is probably not a safe bet: if you love someone and/or respect them then you do not want to see them hurt. You should mean more than Playboy.

Ok, so here's MY list, which is just that, my list... this is the standard to which my man and I hold ourselves. Every relationship is different. Just remember that you deserve to be treated the way you want to. Please write your own lists, if not here then in private... and give your own feelings a good look over anbd see if your needs for a relationship are being met.

Right.... list:
Pornography
Fantasy involving other people
Checking out other people
Flirting with another person
Thinking about a sexual or an emotional affair with another person
Kissing someone else
Touching someone else in a sexual manner
Having sexual feelings/thoughts about another
Sex with another

Might sound a bit strict, but to be honest, its not that hard to be monogomus with the right person. The thing is finding the right person, and weighing what you get from actions like those above against what you get from your partner.
I hope I have made some kind of sense and haven't made a blithering idiot of myself... lol Anyway, drop me a line or a list, or even a hi....

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ajnspencerajnspencer pro
http://www.devon-photography.co.uk
18/04/07 @ 17:31

I think you've hit it on the head when you say it's about the happiness of both parties.

I know couples who have jokey "allow" lists of celebs they could sleep with if the situation came up and both are happy with it, I've been there myself.

Look around this blog and many a married person will post photos "look how gorgeous this bloke/woman is" and mostly it's done in fun with both parties in on the joke. (Porn comes under this too, some couples like sitting down together and watching something raunchy.)

Attraction is a physical thing and even in a loving relationship is almost impossible to wipe out. Love however is emotional and is much more important.

I've had the conversations "Oh wow, I'd do Brad Pitt... Really? Great, you get him out the way I'll have a quickie with Angelina..." Cue laughter.

When it's a problem is when one party is left out or feels betrayed by it, then even things in your head become cheating.

As for the rest of it... anything physical is cheating in my mind, it's differing levels of cheating but it still is.

deleted user [Visitor]

18/04/07 @ 19:34

Hiya Loni,
Just had to comment on this one!
D had an affair with someone at work a couple of years ago. Baby was only 6 weeks old. And it totally knocked me sideways.
When i found out, and we spoke about it, it was purely a sex/flattery thing...no proper emotional feelings to speak of.
I agree with your list totally.....it`s all about treating your partner in a respectful, caring way, and not doing anything that you wouldn`t like to be done on you.
With the harsh reality that i was seriously thinking of leaving him and taking his three children away from him, he realised what was important in his life....and that`s not sex or fantasy with someone you have absolutely no real feelings for.
Honesty is the best policy, if we are honest and have absolutely no secrets from one another, it rules out the slightest chance of anyone getting hurt or even considering being deceitful.
Sounds like you and Nathon have got things spot on, and won`t be tempted to do something that you will definately live to regret.
Having said all that doom and gloom though, me and D are much happier now, 100% commitment on both sides...so i suppose the affair was a wake up call for both of us.
Hugs to you and Nathon
Sara xxx

sexymfsexymf pro
27/06/07 @ 02:38

Okay, you will probably shoot me down in a hail of bullets, but...When i was 21 I would have agreed with your list...in fact when I was 31 I would have, but after 24 years together (and going pretty strong) I don't. If you get jealous by fantasies involving others, checking out others etc then you may well be in for a massive shock later on. This is natural stuff. Life isn't black and white and neither are the dos and donts of relationships; evolution and trust are the keys.

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sugarburnsugarburn [Member]
27/06/07 @ 23:20

lol Nup, no bullets! I asked folk what cheating means to THEM (I'd make it italic, but i have no idea how! lol). Of course your ideas and ideals will be completely different to mine. No two relationships are the same. Its not important for relationships to all have the same components. What is important is that the people in the relationship find a way to make it function which works for both parties. I don't want to be a poligimist or be polyamourous, but for some people it is the ultimate way to have relationships. The most important thing is that everyone in that relationship understands what the relationship allows and does not and is happy with it. Myself and my fiance don't believe in bringing outsiders into our relationship through any means. We are both very much 'one person only' people. That suits us and what we need from a relationship. However, my mother doesn't mind when my dad looks at other women but drew the line at his re-wooing his ex-wife. Every relationship has different standards of behaviour, different needs to be met, different ideas about everything! None are better or worse than others, or more evolved. I have relatives who wife swap. That doesn't make them more mature or less, just different. Four people have found a way to make themselves happy and make relationships work. And thats really what having a partner is about: people who love eachother finding ways to live and love happily together. However that may be.
See? No bullets! lol Thanks for the comment and I'm glad you and your partner found the right way for the both of you :)
Have a lovely week.

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